


A Most Alien Concept

by Emcee



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Genitals, Circumcision, Crack, F/M, Genital Piercing, Humor, James T. Kirk is Not Amused, Naked People, Penises, References to Knotting, Spock is a Little Shit (Star Trek), Uncircumcised Penis, circumcised penis, fra'als, penis comparison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24867664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emcee/pseuds/Emcee
Summary: A diplomatic function leads to a very strange conversation comparing certain attributes of the command crew of the Enterprise.
Relationships: Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53





	A Most Alien Concept

Sometimes, missions on the Enterprise led to uncomfortable situations. Different planets had different culture norms. That was the current situation the away team from the _Enterprise_ were reeling from. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura slowly made their way from the temple, red in the cheeks of all of the humans. Spock looked utterly calm as usual.

"We _had_ to do it," Kirk insisted. "She's the daughter of the Fifth House and Holder of the thingamabob and... A bunch of other titles. Anyway, she's an important person and it's not like we could just turn down an invitation to her wedding."

"Indeed it was the logical course of action for our diplomatic mission," Spock said, holding his hands folded behind his back. "However, had we been better informed of our duties, we could have prepared ourselves for the dress code of a Betazoid Nuptial."

" _Dress Code_?" McCoy raged. "More like an _Undress_ Code, you ice-blooded hobgoblin! We just had to go to a wedding without clothes! You're completely okay with everyone staring at you-- and your girlfriend-- buck naked?"

"It is my understanding that at weddings attention is usually on the bride and the groom." Spock's eyebrow rose as he gave McCoy a sharp look. "Or did your gaze wander, Doctor?"

McCoy scowled at Spock. "I'm her Doctor. It's not like I haven't seen all of you before. What I see doesn't matter. But I don't go parading myself around in the buff!"

Spock made a small, thoughtful noise. "There is one thing that is bothering me."

Kirk let out a laugh. "Only one thing, Spock? I can think of ten."

Spock now turned his attention to Kirk. "What is wrong with your genitals, Captain?"

" _Nothing!_ " Kirk exclaimed. He brought his hands down to cover up himself as if he were being physically attacked. "Why are you looking at it anyway?"

"Simple curiosity, Captain. Your genitals are odd."

"Of course you think I look weird!" Kirk exclaimed. He waved his hand in the general direction of Spock. "What with your Vulcan junk. I don't even know what's going on down there."

Spock looked down at his own genitalia. "I assure you, my equipment is quite normal for a Vulcan male. Having studied human biology, yours does not conform to the norm for your species. Simply compared to Doctor McCoy, I can see your genitals are strange."

"Hell man," McCoy cried. "Did you study all of our genitals while we were in there?"

"I did not study Lieutenant Uhura's physiology during the wedding, as I am already intimately familiar with her genitalia." The corner of his mouth lifted slightly as he looked to his girlfriend. "Any lingering looks were purely recreational."

Uhura let out a small giggle, while Kirk gave an exasperated sigh. "Why do you think my dick looks weird, Spock? It's just a normal human penis."

Uhura held up her hand. "I've got to agree with Spock, Captain... It does look weird."

" _Why_ should I take your opinion?" Kirk spat angrily. "You get all horned up over that double-ridged green monstrosity. And little... Tentacle things."

"All of which are completely natural for my species," Spock commented. "And as I've been told repeatedly... All highly pleasurable for women. Of course, my sample size is small, but very vehement in their opinion."

" _Spock_!" Uhura cried, covering her face with her hands.

McCoy glanced over at Kirk. He sighed. "You know, Jim... I never wanted to say anything... But they're right. It does look weird."

Kirk huffed out in exasperation. "What is wrong with you three? It's circumcised! There's nothing weird about that!"

The other three looked between each other, staying quiet.

"There's _nothing_ weird about it!" Kirk exclaimed.

Spock tilted his head slightly. "On the contrary, Captain. Only ten percent of the human population is circumcised, primarily due to their religious beliefs. I was unaware that you were Jewish or Muslim. And even amongst those who follow those faiths the numbers have fallen dramatically. My mother's family is Jewish and..."

"I'm not," Kirk replied. "I mean, I think some of my family used to be Jewish. But we're not anymore."

Spock's brow rose again. "Then it is quite strange that you should engage in such a practice. It is completely unnecessary to alter your genitals in such a way."

"It's not like I had a choice in it!" Kirk shouted. "I can't believe I'm being told how weird my junk is by someone who _has a knot_."

Spock shrugged his shoulders. "A simple matter of my biology, Captain. And how did you know of the Vulcan knot? It only presents itself during intercourse."

"I know how to read!"

Uhura shook her head. "I can't believe Gaila never mentioned this to me. I mean, she loves talking about weird genitals she's hooked up with."

Kirk scowled. "She didn't just hook up with my genitals! We had a deep connection!"

McCoy narrowed his gaze on Kirk. "Which you exploited to cheat on the Kobayashi Maru."

Kirk threw his hands up in the air. "Okay, we're done talking about my penis! Captain's orders!"

Spock gave a nod. "Captain, I apologize for drawing attention to the unnecessary alterations made to your genitals as an infant."

Everyone went very quiet as they walked back towards the shuttle. Right before they entered, Kirk exclaimed "So _no one_ is going to say anything about Uhura's piercing?"

Spock put an arm around Uhura. "As Leonard is Nyota's Doctor and I am her lover, we were both well aware of it prior to the ceremony."

Kirk glowered at Spock. "You keep giving me heat about the unnecessary alterations to my genitals, but..."

Kirk could _swear_ he saw a smug smirk on Spock's face. "I assure you, Captain... The Lieutenant's alteration is very necessary."

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'd like to state for the record: I have no actual opinion on circumcised vs not. I just know the numbers are falling in our current day and since human religion is so not a thing in Star Trek that it would have mostly disappeared. I just happened to be reading about Vulcan genitalia yesterday (as one does) and I thought it would be funny to portray Kirk as the one who is seen as bizarre in his junk. 
> 
> I also doesn't typically write Spock with so many differences, but I thought it would work better if I went for the Kitchen Sink on his alien genitals. I wasn't able to work in chenesi, but he's probably got those too since he's got everything else.


End file.
